Facebook and fake ass bitches

So just in case any of my FB friends ever Google my name and stumble across this blog let me just preface my post with this

Seriously if your feelings are that easily hurt you should probably just drop your internet connection

I am sure it happens on all social networks bu I notice it mostly on FB, probably because I know people IRL and can call them on their fakeness.

Lats start with parenting.  I thought I was the only one who got pissed off at people pretending to be perfect parents. Turns out I am wrong. Nearly half of moms admit to be stressed out by their inability to keep up with the parenting perfection they see displayed on FB, instagram and pintrest. Seriously I don't make this shit up.

I don't get it. I figure moms who have all their shit together are either lying or heavily medicated.

I see so much parenting fakeness.

Please don't post about how you did crafts with your kids and cooked an elaborate dinner and cookies from scratch. That doesn't change the fact that you were snorting lines of percocet the night before.

Don't post about how family is so important to you and you would not change a thing about your life if you could. Do you really expect me to believe that given the choice you would continue on unable to identify your baby daddy? THAT is your ideal?

Oh and seriously don't post about how your kids are the most important thing in the world to you when you abandoned them for a sex partner. More than once. Fuck that noise.

If all you ever post is a sales pitch trying to convince me your life is perfect I suggest you invest the time in therapy instead trying to figure out why you are so invested in convinces the internet you are something special.

So yeah fake ass bitches who play super mom ..... seriously if you never want to strangle your kids once in a while you obviously don't spend enough time with them.

And then there are people in perfect relationships.

yeah seriously I don't care who loves who more! get it off my home page and go wash his dirty underwear for a few years and then come back to me.

Seriously you are NOT that in love. I watched your last 3 breakups and reconciliations on FB. And that was just this week.

And don't even get me started on 14 year olds talking about forever. Trust me dude, someday she will just be someone your current GF is jealous about.

While I am on the subject don't post your breakups online. Seriously if you are on FB calling him names and airing your dirty laundry I am going to guess you are MORE than half the problem.

Oh  yes love is in the air. You know what else in in the air unsolicited advice.

Nothing makes my day quicker than a cliche printed in comic sans across an unattributed picture. Except sarcasm. I do love me some sarcasm.

Seriously do you even READ what you post? Take your own advice. Don't post about serenity when you are the single biggest drama creator I have ever met.

I have noticed most people are better at posting advice than taking their own. Here is a novel idea get your own shit together before you start trying to fix mine.

Facebook is not the place to try and convince people you have your shit together. Save that for a website with some anonymity. Most people on FB know you in real life, no one is buying the shit you peddle

Real women have a Vagina

Yes for the purpose of a snappy title for  this post I am leaving out transgender individuals.

This rant is brought to you courtesy of the phrase

"real women have curves"

UMMM NO.

Real women have VAGINAS other than that we don't have any criteria that every damn one of us promises to fit.

I have no curves!! I have a body that could photoshop the face of a 12 year old boy onto and you would not get any immediate double takes.

I am STILL a REAL WOMAN.

Mannequins do not look like the average average woman but they do look like  a REAL WOMAN. I hate hearing people say shit like "No real woman ever looks like that" Yeah some of us fucking well do.

You know what women come in all different sizes and as long as you are healthy ... whateves.

What I am sick to death of is hearing thin being described as a negative. I am what I am.

If I looked at a picture of an over weight woman and said she looked "gross"or "unrealistic" I would be accused of fat bashing but when the same is said of a model people pat each other on the back for being so wise and superior that they see though what corporate media is trying to do.

What they don't realize is that not everyone on the other side of the computer screen reading their comments looks like them.

I had 2 kids before I moved to the middle of the healthy weight spectrum. I spent years hearing other women call celebs who  had my body type all kinds of names.

I am a real woman, I have no curves, I can't help that.

How about we respect ALL body types. I see on Facebook and Google+ pages dedicated to overweight individuals. They have titles like "curvy and sexy". God knows what kind of flack I would get if I started a page called "Skinny even though I eat real food"

Now I get that thin is the societal image of ideal and that over weight girls put up with shit that I don't have to. I get that. I think it is wrong and unfair. I think that we need to work on projecting health over appearance.

Overweight young girls need to know they are still beautiful, we don't do this though by telling thin young women that they are gross. You should never step on one person in an attempt to lift another

Dear Karma, Just GO Away

I get how Karma works. You do good things and good things happen to you. Be a bitch and bad things happen to you. Not all at once My Name is Earl style but over time. Seems like a great cosmic plan to reward good people. 

Generally I tend to think that Karma is a load of crock. After Gram died and her children decided to switch me her beautiful house for my trailer though I thought "OK maybe I just wasn't patient enough" 

Yeah ...NO.

 We moved in and found out we needed a new furnace before next fall. Ok, that will be expensive but we can spread that expense out, save up, and deal with it at the end of summer. 

I have to move the power from my old place to the new one. To do so I have to have a $0 balance. OK that is pretty reasonable. I will paid it off the next week and thought no more about it. Until I called to switch it. Turns out next month my bill will be near $1000. Why? Because I was on equalized billing that renews in NOV. All winter I use more power than I pay for and it evens out in the summer. Except this year I just have to pay the difference because I moved. I offered to keep paying at my old rate which is DOUBLE the rate for this house (oil heat here) but NOOOOOOO NB Power is douche bags. 

How much of a douche bag you ask? If I was on Social Assistance they would let me spread out the difference in my equalized billing over the next  year. But I am not on welfare so I am not allowed. Yeah that is what they told me AFTER I called bullshit on they don't do it for anyone by offering names and addresses of people they do it for.  Lucky for them they have a monopoly around here and I can't just go to a competitor. 

So OK take a deep breath. It will all get better. Things get old and wear out. Utilities are douche bags, this is nothing new. 

So I climb out of bed yesterday and go online to pay a  few bills. In Canada on the 20th of each month parents receive the "Canada Child Tax benefit" the amounts vary based on how much you earn and how many kids you have.  I went online and half the money I was expecting was not there. Rolling my eyes at this latest clerical glitch I called the gov to find out what was going on. 

"Oh we withheld half your check because you owe us money."

"For what"

"Fraud"

"You are gonna have to be A bit more specific"

"we received a phone call informing us that you claimed a child that was not actually in your care"

"what child?"

"N (youngest sister)"

"well she was here. I did care for her, someone is lying, and how do I fix this"

so now I have to get schools and other official bodies to verify that she was here. Send all that in. wait for them to process it and get the money I am owed. In the mean time the next few months of my budget is screwed. 

BTW this is the second time this happened. The first time was seven years ago when someone called them and said I had lost custody of my eldest child. That took 8 months to straighten out. 

Today was good though. Galactus is finally starting to feel better. I was feeling slightly less stabby from nicotine withdrawal  Karma must have seen this and decided i wasn't getting off that easy. 

Baby was playing in the sun porch while I did dishes. All of a sudden I heard a crash and dogs barking like crazy.  I ran in to see what happened and the dogs were outside chasing the mail man. They jumped THROUGH the window. 

Dear Karma, I resign as your personal punching bag. This time you WILL accept my resignation 

Seriously just shut up already

Sometimes shit happens. When it does we often turn to friends an family for comfort. Sadly this is often a mistake.

So here is how this post works in Green is things people have said to me in Red is what I hear and/or think

Ready? Lets go.

When our house caught fire

Whenever a door closes a window opens
My Fucking window is warped shut from the heat of a fire. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you. I worked from home. I am now homeless and unemployed. Don't talk to me about mother fucking windows. K?

Is everyone ok?

Do you really think I would be so upset about my Harry Potter books if my Husband or child had been trapped in that fire? What type of soulless bitch do you think I am. ... wait don't answer that. Don't get me wrong I am glad you worried about my families welfare but seriously???????

When our second son was born 4 months early

God never gives you more than you can handle 

What about all those people who get so overwhelmed they commit suicide? Did God misjudge there? 
Fuck that 

When the same child passed away at 10 weeks (FTR I have heard most of these at almost every funeral I have ever been to)

It was for the best

Best for who? You know what, just shut up. You are too stupid to be allowed to speak unattended. It  certainly wasn't the best for me

He is in a better place 

......... (prove it!) 

It was God's will 

Seriously you just keep your meddling God right out of my life. I don't want no part of whatever God you deal with that tries to push me to just before my breaking point and then gets to decide how everything ends and call my suffering "the best" 

This is just a quick sample but there is a moral here. When someone comes to you (or you stumble upon them) and they are upset think twice before offering up any cliches.

I would rather hear a friend sincerely tell me "Man that sucks donkey balls" than hand me an empty platitude.

Some things you should NOT do as a couple

The couple who plays together stays together.

The couple who quits smoking together ... well bad shit happens.

I decided a back at the beginning of Feb that I was going to quit smoking on St Patrick's Day. We were partying on Saturday night so quitting on Sunday seemed like a good idea. As the date got closer the idea of quitting smoking for a third and hopefully final time loomed large in my mind. Then came the bombshell. About a week before my quit date appeared in my life Hubby announced he was quitting with me.

Sweet merciful Odin save me. Looks like I will be getting a divorce for Easter.  You would think that not watching hubby smoke would make life easier. There is no Cigarettes in the house and therefor no temptation.

Yeah you would think so.

Let me tell you. If there was a cigarette to be found in this house I would go find it, shove it in Hubby's mouth and light it. I don't say this to be a bad support system or because I want him to fail. I simply say it because I am not quite ready to go to prison yet.

I am a seether by nature. When things piss me off I seethe about it. Sometimes I snap but usually only when I am trying to seethe about too many things at once.

Hubby is a bitcher and a yeller.

So picture this. I am in the kitchen washing dishes. Seething because no one is helping me. Pissed off because I have to stop and let the dog out. Just finished eating and want a cigarette so bad I would stab the Dali Lama for one. When sudden;y Hubby yells at one of the kids. Worse he yells at the kids for ... the same shit he does!

Oh Yeah. So I am trying to quickly weigh my options. Ignore it does  not seem like a good idea because kid needs to know that he didn't really do anything that deserved being yelled at like that. Say something to Hubby, also seems like a bad idea because that will dissolve into a withdrawal fueled screaming match.

I got it. I'm gonna sneak up behind him with a piece of piano wire and murder him. Wait now I am back to my prison dilemma ....

Ok I will just drink some more Coke and see if I can find any cookies.

So moral of the story. If your spouse ever offers to quit smoking with you for moral support just murder them immediately and save yourself the suspense

The War on Christmas

I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of having store clerks, tech support, and random people I meet on the street wish me "Happy Holidays". I mean really the nerve of these people wishing me happiness and joy. Who the hell do they think they are?

Oh wait, that sounds really stupid when you say it out loud.

Every God damn year I hear people bitch about how they are being oppressed because someone said happy holidays. Seriously? That's your version of oppression? You need to get out more. Maybe some time in Palestine or a country under Taliban rule will teach you what that word actually means.

Feel free to say Merry Christmas in return, or better yet be happy that they are saying something polite rather than "get your selfrighteous ass out of my way bitch"

Every year on the news and online it is the same ol rant about the war on Christmas. How others are forcing Christ out of CHRISTmas. Really is there a secret Jesus Gestapo that I am unaware of that is breaking into homes and steal Christ right out of peoples nativity scenes? Are there blockades outside of churches stopping people from worshipping on Christmas eve?

And my all time favorite rant is when a store advertises holiday trees for sale and people get up in arms because they don't call it but the proper name of 'Christmas tree'. Really? Proper name? hmmmm, seems to me they had a different name before Christianity started subverting pagan traditions in the name of converting. 

Yeah proper name my ass.

There is no war. Christmas is a paid frakin holiday. How much more government endorsement can it get? As long as you are allowed to celebrate on private property as you see fit stop your bellyaching.

If there ever IS a war on Christmas or Christianity it will be because of asshats like you who play the victim all the time usually while trying to actively oppress others and/or cram your beliefs down their throats

Dont confuse Crazy with Stupid

Einstein said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

That seems kind of insulting to insane people. In fact it sounds more like stupidity to me. Actually it is the common love child of stupidity and laziness.

Once upon a time I used to just hear my friends and family bitch and whine. Thanks to the advent of social networking now I get to hear EVERYONE whine.

My teachers hate me
My boyfriend keeps banging sluts
my job sucks
my kids don't listen
No one but me does housework


I could fill this whole blog post with examples but  there is no need. if you are intelligent enough to have mastered literacy you can probably think of a hundred examples all on your own. As if anyone cares.

Now there are times the universe truly screw you and I am all sympathy then. You got Parkinsons ... man that sucks. How can I help.  Your kid has a brain tumor, I'm here for ya. House burnt down, I have an extra room. Your Boyfriend is out banging sluts AGAIN while you are home with the kids. Nah that's your OWN stupid fault for putting up with his shit.

See people like to bitch and moan about how hard life is but rarely want to DO anything about it.Yeah change is a lot of work but nothing in life is free.

Are you really stupid enough to think if you just wait like a good little girl (or boy) that everything will change and come up roses.
Wishing upon a star never made a woman less of a victim. I tire Iron can but not a wish. 
Waiting for your good Karma to kick in so you can get a better job? Yes I would like fries with that.

If you want a better job then DO SOMETHING to earn one. 
If you want more money DO SOMETHING to earn it.
If you want to be treated with respect DO SOMETHING to earn it
If you want your kids to behave DO SOMETHING about it

For fuck sakes people this is not a hard concept. Is this where participation medals and 'everyone is special' philosophies have landed us?

In the era of the Internet! Finding a solution has never been easier. You don't even have to leave your home.

Stop asking when things will start looking up for you, and start climbing!